Saturday, September 24, 2011

Before I Turn 24

OMG my poor blog!!! TT.TT; I feel bad for ditching it again because of work and me being too lazy >..>

Nevertheless, I decided to share with you this reflection of myself before I turn 24. It wasn't easy to write it but here it is!

Ever since I started my working life, I didn't draw as much as I used to. I probably drew on weekends. When I started working at my second job (my current job), I completely stopped drawing and would go for months not holding the pencil or open in Photoshop and doodle with my tablet. It just took most of my is gone as I am in the office early morning and not back until night time. I always get home exhausted and too tired to do or deal with anything at home.

Working in my current job actually helped me alot and opened my eyes to many things I was unaware of and of things I didn't want to admit to.

The biggest epiphany I had was on the last few weeks of August. I had to do a revision with my boss regarding my next steps as a career woman. Most of the questions were things like "Where do you see yourself in the next xx years", "what job career are you looking to do next" etc. and all I had was question marks bouncing on my head and my manager really wanted to whack me for not knowing what I want to do next. I was plainly honest when I said I didn't know. She was shocked. I think she was really surprised how is someone like me confused and unsure.
Since then, I  also couldn't stop thinking. I didn't think it was weird, but I thought how am I going to move on in life if I don't know what I want?

As I continue to think, suddenly it hit me. I now know why I stopped drawing. I now know why I don't know what I want.
It's because I gave up on myself. Not just as a career woman. But as a human being. I gave up trying my best. I gave up believing and learning for myself. I stopped caring that I can be good to great to awesome. I thought I'd be ok with just doing my job as a regular employee.
Eventhough I love art and drawing animation, I stopped and gave up because I didn't believe I could improve because there were others who were better than me. It scared me. It intimidated me. So I settled with what I got and didn't care about myself to not disappoint anyone.

I decided for the last few days as a 23 yr old, I started to do the following:

. To love myself and adore who I am because no one will
. To take care of myself because no one will
. To appreciate myself and what I have because I am unique and will continue to learn what makes me unique
. To not look down at myself
. To not be afraid to teach when I can
. To work hard in not hurting myself
. Never giving up without a fight
. To open up and talk to others
. To be more honest
. To stop being scared
. To keep trying everything

I will continue to do so and practice it forever because no one will do this for me and no matter what good things people say about me, I won't believe it.

I realized the way I think is not fair and is hurtful for me.

There are a few people I want to thank for this epiphany: First and foremost, God, my bosses, my team, my office-mate and a few other people whom I got close to in the office.
I love my job and my workplace. I am very lucky to be hired there and I will use this opportunity to the fullest.

I am learning and growing. I want to change myself for the better and make everyone proud of me. And that's what I am and will continue to do and make everyone who really cares proud of me.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. It may seem all confusing...I am sorry I just wrote how I felt and I just had a strong desire to post this before I get busy with something else.

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